Love Affairs of the Large & Luscious

As this is my Valentine's Day blog for AboutCurves.com, I thought I'd start with a retrospective of my Large & Luscious Love Affairs...sort of like Andie McDowell did when she rated all her lovers to Hugh Grant (a group to which he belonged) in the movie, Four Weddings & A Funeral.

If you're too young to have seen it (it came out in 1994), do so because the way she takes ownership of her sexual history whilst naming off a plethora of sexual partners ROCKS! She makes no apologies about having had so many sexual partners (she had at least 30 or 40 some-odd) and, as a woman in her thirties on the cusp of marriage, this seems to give her no regrets about moving into a lifelong commitment...that is, if she weren't in love with Hugh Grant's character but engaged to another man.

So, in the movie of my life, how many Large & Luscious Love Affairs will I be listing? That would be N.O.Y.B. but I'll be happy to share some highlights. In fact, I'll present them out like they were DVDs you were looking at in the video store with a synopsis of the story along with a little teaser. I'll label these as JUICY TIDBITS so you can tell what's in the synopsis and what I'm sharing from the real-life version...

Loss of Virginity - An International Affair

Set in the city of New Orleans, two tourists come

together for a night that will change one of them forever.

A chubby yet curvy (size 18), college girl, drinking Hurricanes with her friends on Bourbon Street, meets a handsome "football player" from the great Down Under. Later she's learns that football actually means soccer in most of the world and that he's in the states for a tournament.

She's charmed by his Australian accent and the way he tells everyone, "This is moi gehl." While she'd always envisioned the loss of her virginity as something that would happen in a romantic relationship, at the ripe old age of 20, she decided the anonymity of the situation was just what the doctor ordered.

JUICY TIDBIT: After extended foreplay and my shock that real ones weren't as huge and scary as I thought (and knowing now what I didn't know then, he wasn't a small specimen at all), I stopped him, literally inches from the mark and told him I was a virgin. I think a lot of men would have just stayed the course and plowed on through (pun intended) but this wonderful man stopped and said, "Well, 'at means we betta staht ovah if we're gonna git this roight." And start over we did...and over...and over...and he came pretty darn close to getting it exactly right...but the orgasm honor actually goes to our next hero...

My First Lover & All That Implies

Opposites attract (and distract) a young woman from her goals, eventually pushing her to start a new life.

Weeks after a plus-sized young woman is introduced to the wide world of sex, she meets a quiet, eclectic artist who is nearly her polar opposite. His unexpected sweetness and independent nature sweep her off her feet.

As the relationship deepens, he begins to teach her about pleasing a man and pleasing herself. Like Dorothy in Oz, this young woman is delighted by this new world and can't wait to explore every twist and turn of the yellow brick road. There's one magic phrase, somewhat like Dorothy's, "There's no place like home," that our heroine has yet to learn and when she does, it's devastating.

"But I never said we were monogamous," he said in a quiet, yet defiant voice. And the realization hit that just because someone gives you their time, their attention, their body and (what seems to be) their heart, that doesn't mean they've given you their fidelity as well.

After some agonizingly long tearful discussions, love prevailed and the couple promised their fidelity. What followed was a Large & Luscious Love Affair that lasted the rest of our heroine's college career, often taking priority over studies. With slipping grades, an uncertain major and student loan debt mounting each semester, our heroine started to think that marriage was her next logical step.

Unfortunately our hero, while sweet, has an independent nature. And wild things tend to bite when backed into a corner. Her name was Shannon and she was a friend of the heroine's, in a friend-of-a-friend sort of way. So, as most love affairs do, this one ended in betrayal.

JUICY TIDBIT: Shannon lost all of her friends that were in my circle and is still single though almost forty. I also heard a rumor that she's sleeping with a married man...leopards don't change their spots I guess. And our hero? The last word I had of him was about five years after we broke up from his best friend. He told me, "I never saw him love someone the way he loved you."

Love On the Rocks - An Alcoholics Last Chance True love turns rocky when the habits of a casual drinker get out of control.

He loved her curvaceous body and her long blond hair. She loved his dry wit and the way he called out her name when they made love. Trouble was, he also loved Canadian whiskey and the drama of infidelity.

This is a story almost older than time. Some of you already know it and for those of you who don't, pray you never will. Loving an addict is one of the saddest experiences a person can have in this world and I won't bore you with the ugly details of it.

JUICY TIDBIT: He was the only man I've ever been with whose absolute favorite position was woman-on-top. And his current situation? He's on his fourth marriage (three since he dated me) and still tells people that losing me was the biggest mistake he ever made...and I am soooo loving that!

Trophy Wife Wanted - Fatties Need Not Apply The story of how one man's personal insecurities wreak havoc on a confident woman's soul.

They would have been voted "Cutest Couple" if this were a story set in a high school rather than the real world. Both chubby and fun-loving, they met at church and had almost everything in common. With a house in the suburbs, all you needed to add was a 2.5 kids and a golden retriever to make them fit the all-American, though somewhat overweight, dream.

But when they make love, our hero in this drama can't have an orgasm. Not sometimes. Not every now and then. The truth is, almost never. Why? Is our heroine a cold fish in bed? Does she not like sex? Will she not experiment with him to try to find what really turns him on?

Abso-freakin-tively NOT! This woman loves her body, owns a ton of sexy lingerie, is game for most anything and is actually in love with this man. The truth comes to a head one night (or rather DOESN'T come to a head) when he tells her, "I'm just not attracted enough to you to have an orgasm because you're so fat."

While a lot of women would have ended up as hysterical lumps lying on the floor and praying for death, our plucky heroine says, "Well, I've never had any complaints before and if I were a man, I'd want to f#%! me. I may be overweight but so are you buddy!"

After some couples therapy, our hero reveals that he's had this problem with other women, even with his "skinny" girlfriends. After more couples therapy it comes out that our hero tends to "self-pleasure" on a daily basis, sometimes up to three times a day. This, the therapist explains, could be desensitizing him to true intimacy and undermining their sexual relationship.

After even more couples therapy (and due to the frustration of the therapist to help this man abandon his quest for a trophy wife), our hero is told by their therapist, "I'm sorry to be blunt but when I look at the two of you, I see you as being the more overweight and I think your expectations are not only self-destructive, but incredibly unfair to this woman you claim to be in love with."

And his answer? "I don't think I love her enough to get over this. Maybe I'm a bad person but I think it's just that I'm only attracted to really beautiful, thin women. And I don't think I'm crazy to expect that I can marry one of them someday." Our heroine moved out a week later.

JUICY TIDBIT: You guessed it, he's still alone. I've been happily married for eight years and he's still choking his own sad little chicken. Shame, huh?

SPECIAL NOTE: My next Love Affair of the Large & Luscious is my love affair with my husband. Out of respect for him (and our marriage), I'm going to keep the intimate details to myself. You can read, however, about how he proposed to me after 17 days of only talking on the phone (and never saw a picture of me) in my next blog.